by Chris R. Morgan


[See below for corrections. -ED]

Greetings, user!

Please pardon the intrusion, but we here at XCorp just wanted to drop a line and let you know that we’ve updated our privacy policy. At XCorp we understand that you have entrusted us with a good deal of your private information in exchange for access to our services, an amount that, in light of recent innovations, seems ever more unprecedented. We appreciate you giving us a moment of your time to look it over!

For clarification, this is not the revised privacy policy itself. This is just friendly note we’re sending to let you know that we changed it. We know it’s kind of a hassle, with the seemingly impossible quest to get your inbox “down to zero.” Look at you, so sought after and popular! We fully understand—and are even proud of—the fact that a vast majority of our users are so important and worthy of respect from their peers, underlings, and overlings in equal measure. And who have loved ones who are invested in their well-being. Yay you! And perhaps more importantly, yay us!

You see, to XCorp this is more than a mere notification. We know that in this day and age of accelerated corporate culture, of “brand management,” not to mention of an ever shakier sense of security in spite of massive feats of technological advancement, concepts like trust, appreciation, and friendship ring hollow and noncommittal. So many companies speak of them so casually as to be bereft entirely of meaning. It makes us sick to our collective stomach, quite frankly, user. Moreover, every company goes out of its way to say it’s “different,” putting sincerely different companies in an awkward position to prove their worth. Permit us, if you will, to attempt to do that by addressing these three concepts, point by point and in reversed order of importance.


It’s amazing how far a simple “Thank you!” will get you in this crazy life. Thankfulness seems an underrated feeling because to some it restricts pride, and might even require some work! But we’ve come to love being thankful, not least of all to you. We know that you had so many options from which to choose in seeking out the services we provide, and yet you found in XCorp the qualities that satisfied you. (No need to tell us what they are! We sort of have an idea. ;-)) It gives us such joy every time you seek us out for said services. We believe that we are the best in providing them. We know, it seems easy for us to say that, and a bit boorish, but perhaps you didn’t know us before you created your account. We’re not going to sugarcoat it, it wasn’t always so certain. Yes, even we had moments when we stared blankly at our collective reflection, casting an untold number of hexes of self-doubt, even loathing. But that’s behind us now, thanks in no small part to you! So yes, from the bottom of our collective heart, thank you!


None of that appreciation, however, would be possible without first establishing trust. You had to be able to trust us before you could commit. We at XCorp totally understand how you feel and want you to know that that trust is entirely mutual. We know that you know how important maintaining that trust is and that there are consequences when it is neglected. We know that it would be a serious breach of that trust if we just shared your information to any person or entity who, for whatever reason, would find it useful to have. And we know that you know it would be a serious breach of that trust if you started being inattentive to that information, or being inattentive generally. Maybe spending your time looking at other companies. Maybe they’re companies that can offer a better quality of service than we do. We don’t really know, we don’t pay attention to or care much what other companies do, that’s just petty. But are they as dedicated in their service as we are? Did you even stop to consider the importance dedication can sometimes have over something so relative and slippery as quality? Perhaps you should someday. When you have time, that is.


Most of all though, user, XCorp values your friendship. We know, we know, it’s largely unspoken. Call it what you will. Loyalty, we guess. But let’s take a respite from the usual hairsplitting and be real here. We feel that we can be real with you, and that we know you deep down at the core of your being. Yeah, we know, like, a whole lot, but any company can know that much (trust us). We’re not going to go out and say there’s such a thing as having a soul or whatever, but we know there’s something in you that makes you special. We have unprecedented access to that specialness. We care deeply about it, much in the same way you care deeply about ours. In fact, we think that friendship is kind of limited. We mean, come on, it’s easy to build friendships, we’re quite good at it; but it’s also easy to break friendships. We don’t want to have to do that. We are an expanding company. Growth is crucial to our survival, and we want—nay, need—you to grow with us. We want to come to love you and for you to love XCorp. We want to be able to be depended upon in your time of need. We want to be near you when you are most secure and when you are most vulnerable. We want to be there wherever there is a screen, or even where there is an outlet, or just some kind of receptor. It’s one thing to have the means to use the patterns of your breathing to activate our apps but it’s entirely another thing for you to feel them being activated, manifesting themselves in your sleeping subconscious or in the haze of your grueling morning commute. Sometimes feeling is the most important data of all. Don’t you think?

So thank you, once more, user, for your continued use of and devotion to XCorp!

Click [INSERT HYPERLINK] to examine our revised privacy policy.

Have a fun and safe Labor Day!