by Chris R. Morgan

Citizen 000

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause I don’t know how to grill and don’t care to learn.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause its latest LP left surprisingly little to be desired.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause Communism treats objects like women, and women like corgis.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause then Miley will be prevented from hoarding All The Drugs.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause then All The Drugs will be basically placebos. Because Communism is the best high.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause the Constitution is too long. Or too short. Or just right but who cares.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause James Deen had some provocative thoughts on his Tumblr.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause infertility leave is a beautiful concept.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause it will keep my secrets for me, not keep its secrets from me like my other exes.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause I’m dying of quiet desperation when what I really want to do is die of romantic exhaustion.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause I’m chasing every last one of my fears down and ripping their throats out with my bare teeth.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause 1 is the loneliest number, 1 million is … not.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause demonology is real the unholy powers are a force defined and breathing and the angels are asleep not only are they asleep but they refuse to become awake they refuse because they are lost they feel fear  you know they are too afraid to watch us to know us to really truly care did they ever but you see they left their swords unsheathed and on the streets right there all around us to be picked up and to be carried into battle demons are all around us you can always tell who’s an angel by its absence but you can’t tell what a demon is because of its overabundance i know myself that there are days when i’ll interact almost exclusively with demons i don’t know if they care if i know that they are demons or if they know that i am their adversary it’s a lonely thing being in a world rife with demons i am a clear minority here i cannot fight them on my own i am imbued with powers no greater than wit who gives a fuck about wit though what would shake with dread at the sight of a wit would it even just weight its options the pros and cons of going toe to toe with someone witty fuck no this is real everything if you haven’t been told is real i’m real as real as it gets and i need you to be equally though not necessarily more real as we undertake this endeavor to rid the world of demons and demonlike people nevermind what the goddamn differences are between them just know that they exist and are a support base they level the playing field they stack the deck they light the fuse they drill the hole they pay the tab they dry refill and dry the oceans and lakes over and over whenever wherever and whyever but i’ve got their secrets i’ve got them on spreadsheets i’ve got their phones and their facebooks and their favorite microbrews because you never know and we’ll hit them first because without them no one has nothing i don’t care if we have to go to every house and root them out with all we got which if you’ve forgotten are these swords so we should be good i know exactly where they are so don’t worry about that anyway we need to get them and then we need to get the others the real problem the source of everything wrong so much has gone wrong and i’m fucking tired of it i could just be like all the others and just go to sleep but no not me not this person do you feel like you’ve been destined for this or that thing like better things i didn’t at first but now i clearly do you think i want all this do you think i like being burdened with ridding the world of its plagues who the fuck are you to tell me how i feel you who i totally trust and in no way suspect of being an unholy thing or an enabler thereof oh no i won’t be like the others that’s how they get you you’ll all see my foundation is iron as fuck iron as fuck i tell you and guess who just volunteered to be the first to know

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause I paid for two-day shipping and it’s day three.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause it needs me now more than ever.

#IBelieveInCommunismBecause it doesn’t allow, logically, for more than two sex positions.