by Chris R. Morgan


So you want to write essays. First let me offer you my heartfelt congratulations on your choosing this pursuit. Essay-writing is not a dangerous or particularly noble pursuit, but it is a pursuit all the same. Congratulations! Moving on.

There is no one way to write an essay. The foregoing is merely the way I’ve managed most effectively in getting it done. It’s possible you are already aware of this, and you are coming to me because the other models of essay-writing have failed you. That’s fine. You should not begrudge my sibling essayists for this failure, they know not what they do. Neither, for that matter, do I; but I will forget I ever said that so that we may carry on. I will only add that while that kind of lacerating introspection is not unique to and does not foster essayists, choosing to disregard that introspection is and does.

The mark of any good essayist is to develop a sense of abandonment. I was abandoned by my parents at a very early age. This will be news to my parents, both of whom I see almost daily. But they must remember that I am the essayist and they are not. So there.

Once you have established your abandonment, you must then proceed to your rebirth. The process of rebirthing is a matter of no small controversy among many people. This is overcome by reminding yourself that many people are spectacularly stupid. After completing that step, there are a few methods through which to rebirth yourself. The method that works best for me is the Jell-O bed. It is accomplished as follows:

Step 1: buy enough Jell-O mix to fill a backyard kiddie pool, pick whichever flavor you wish.

Step 2: fill that kiddie pool with the mix.

Step 3: lie prostrate in the pool as the Jell-O takes form; this must preferably be done in a colder season, otherwise this will take weeks and the Jell-O will become slimy.

Step 4: at a passage of time you deem most sufficient, break free from the Jell-O, arise amidst the flabby wreckage, and howl skyward. Doing this part at night, and especially when the moon is full and clearly visible, is not necessary but is encouraged for maximum results.

Side note: if you do not have access to or space for a backyard kiddie pool, a bathtub will suffice. If you do not have a bathtub, then dipping your head in the kitchen sink is a decent last resort. If on the off-chance you drown while carrying out this method, do not feel embarrassed or ashamed. You have not failed. Death, like liposuction or rectal intercourse, may be painful and costly with long-term hazards, but is still a valid form of rebirth.

Once you’ve been reborn, you probably think you’re ready to write your first of surely countless essays. But hold your horses, cowboy! We’re just getting started. Things are only going to get trickier from here on in, let me tell you. It is imperative that you replicate my subsequent rules with military precision. If you fail to do so you risk bein

EDITOR’S NOTE: We regret to inform you that this guide to essay-writing was unable to be completed by the author, who in the process of composing it was beaten to death by one or more irate (though by no immediate indication exceptionally irate) circus clowns. A full investigation will be underway to apprehend the clown(s) and to ascertain the motive(s) just as soon as the detective(s) assigned to the case take care of some other stuff. The perpetrator(s) look approximately thus:

Screen Shot 2019-02-26 at 1.46.03 PM

There will be no refund(s) seeing as how no one has paid a fee. The author’s enemies respectfully request donations of your mom in lieu of flowers.